Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
