What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
