Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
the evidence from last night is not good...
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button