I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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