my phone needs a breathalizer
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
No I am not eating basil off your cock
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
