What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
