Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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