saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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