I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize