I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
