I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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