He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
