i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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