So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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