i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
