If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
