Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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