I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
