I'm so fucking centered right now
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
