If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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