haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
