Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize