You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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