She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Randomize
