and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
