yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Randomize
