So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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