So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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