hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
