i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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