my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
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