i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
