Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
My dick has a subreddit
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I think people are normalizing furries
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
