I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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