proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
