My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You know, be my cock's hype man.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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