Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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