mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
