the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
