he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
