I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
kristin has been a bad kristin
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
