i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.