We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?