halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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