as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
