why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Dicks are not precious.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
