I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
