Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
