pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
