this beer tastes like vomit already
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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