Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
