well most of my day revolves around power hour
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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