Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
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I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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