i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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