i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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