when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Randomize
