So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
